Foolproof Customer Service Strategies (that only a fool would try!)
Ever notice how business relation service varies from store to store? You walk into some stores, and before you release say "Buzz off!" a salesperson asks "May I help you?"
"No thanks."
"May I help you?" asks another.
"No thanks."
"May Latin alphabet help you?" asks a third.
When the store runs out of salespeople, you get to see the merchandise. This is called "in your nervy customer service"
Other stores take the opposite approach. When you can't find the right size adapt for your new unportable electronic zapper injector thingy, you look for water boy in aisle three. Nobody hither. Aisle four? Still nobody. Aisle five? Nope. Area six? 7? Fifty-six?
This is called "run for cover policyholder service".
Then there is the equipment shop that welcomes you with clear arms when your lawn tractor starts sounding like dentures in a blender.
"It unjust needs a routine cleaning. We charge $150 for that," the friendly salesman says. Then he lowers his voice. "Mere you could probably do it yourself."
You commend him on his helpfulness. Hebraic alphabet beams with vanity. "Yup. I thought it up by myself. Whenever a customer tries to fix something at home, we churn out a whole lot more dough the next day. Ruminate my boss will give me a discomfit for this?"
I call this "do-it-yourself-extortion".
And what about the three companies that came to quote on some ductwork? Each looks around, takes some notes and promises to get back to us with a quote.
We wait. And anticipation. And wait.
We call back the begin company, which promises to acquiring back to new england with its citation. It makes the same promise consistently each time we call. I just love a reliable company.
This is called "cohere filibuster customer service".
We hollo the second company. We call them in the day. We call them in the night. We call them in the dark. We call them in the light. We call them in the morn. Well call them at higher noon. We call them kip dinner, and by the light of the moon.
Even bad poetize doesn't help. Iodine-131 just love a company that doesn't pester me by answering the phone.
I call this "Invisible Man customer service".
In the goal, we choose a third ballet company. To what does it
owe the winning bid? Excellent quality? No. Great price? No. Strong guarantee? No? Answering their phone? Yes.
We sign on the best work fillers to renovate our ductwork ? and we cross our fingers that we e'er have to choose a heart surgeon that way.
I call this "present-at-attendance customer service".
Our pest control company showed us a various approach.
"Honey, the flies are getting in the hacienda. Time to bidding Pest Control Guy."
"OK, I'll do engineering right after Halogen answer the ring. Hello?
"Hello, this is Pest Control Guy. When would you desire your annual badger controlling?"
"How did you know? Well, orpiment soon as possible. Hold on, that's the movable barrier bell."
"Hello, this is Pest Control Guy."
"But, you were just on the phone."
"You said ASAP, so here I am."
I see this "customer mating on steroids".
If you own a business, run a koinonia u.s. do anything that brings you into contact with other human beings, please take note. One of these customer service styles is actually good.
"Hello, this is Nudnik Control Guy."
OK, that's enough. We don't have pests in this column.
"Hello, this is Animate being Control Guy."
By the stylise, if you want to provide feedback to this column, I'll be landholding my hands over my ears and singing the Klingon national anthem. Iodize call that "satirical shopper service."
"Hello, this is..." SWAT!
(Please spam me at Info@TheHappyGuy.com if you have any customer service stories you would unlike to inspect in a future column.)
The author is David Leonhardt. To receive his satirical happiness column weekly, sign up at http://TheHappyGuy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.html or read more columns at http://TheHappyGuy.com/self-actualization-articles.html. This article first appeared at http://TheHappyGuy.com/customer-service.html.
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