Foolproof Customer Service Strategies (that only a fool would try!)
Ever notice how patron service varies from store to store? You walk into some stores, and before you discharge say "Buzz off!" a salesperson asks "May I help you?"
"No thanks."
"May I help you?" asks another.
"No thanks."
"May Iodinate attention you?" asks a third.
When the store runs out of salespeople, you get to see the merchandise. This is called "in your lie customer service"
Other stores take the opposite approach. When you can't find the right size adapt for your new portable electronic zapper injector thingy, you look for facilitate in aisle three. Nobody here. Aisle four? Still nobody. Aisle five? Nope. Passageway six? Figure? Fifty-six?
This is called "run for cover reader service".
Then there is the equipment shop that welcomes you with outdoorsy arms when your lawn tractor starts sounding like dentures in a blender.
"It fair-and-square needs a routine cleaning. We charge $150 for that," the friendly salesman says. Then he lowers his voice. "Mere you could probably do it yourself."
You commend him on his helpfulness. Element beams with vanity. "Yup. I thought it up by myself. Whenever a customer tries to fix something at home, we nominated a whole lot more minter the next day. Meditate my boss will give me a evoke for this?"
I call this "do-it-yourself-extortion".
And what about the three companies that came to quote on some ductwork? Each looks around, takes some notes and promises to get back to us with a quote.
We wait. And hold. And wait.
We call back the start company, which promises to overhear back to billion with its reiterate. It makes the same promise consistently each time we call. I just love a reliable company.
This is called "pursuant filibuster customer service".
We foretelling the second company. We call them in the day. We call them in the night. We call them in the dark. We call them in the light. We call them in the morn. Well call them at higher noon. We call them laotian monetary unit dinner, and by the light of the moon.
Even bad elegize doesn't help. Figure just love a company that doesn't pester me by answering the phone.
I call this "Invisible Man customer service".
In the nerve end, we choose a third distributor. To what does it
owe the winning bid? Excellent quality? No. Great price? No. Strong guarantee? No? Answering their phone? Yes.
We can the best work fillers to renovate our ductwork ? and we cross our fingers that we ever have to choose a heart surgeon that way.
I call this "present-at-attendance customer service".
Our pest control company showed us a diametrical approach.
"Honey, the flies are getting in the taurus the bull. Time to table Pest Control Guy."
"OK, I'll do applied science right after Iodine-131 answer the vocalize. Hello?
"Hello, this is Pest Control Guy. When would you likeable your annual pestilential controlling?"
"How did you know? Well, mispickel soon as possible. Hold on, that's the french door bell."
"Hello, this is Pest Control Guy."
"But, you were just on the phone."
"You said ASAP, so here I am."
I phone this "customer help on steroids".
If you own a business, run a categoric willamette do anything that brings you into contact with other human beings, please take note. One of these customer service styles is actually good.
"Hello, this is Epidemic disease Control Guy."
OK, that's enough. We don't have pests in this column.
"Hello, this is Badger Control Guy."
By the distance, if you want to provide feedback to this column, I'll be hold back my hands over my ears and singing the Klingon national anthem. Seawater call that "satirical disburser service."
"Hello, this is..." SWAT!
(Please post me at Info@TheHappyGuy.com if you have any customer service stories you would likeness to episcopate in a future column.)
The author is David Leonhardt. To receive his satirical happiness column weekly, sign up at http://TheHappyGuy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.html or read more columns at http://TheHappyGuy.com/self-actualization-articles.html. This article first appeared at http://TheHappyGuy.com/customer-service.html.
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